I cheated. I woke up in the night and, half asleep before I could alert myself to what I was doing, I ate a mini sausage and a spoonful of rice. This morning my weight was the same: 140lbs.
All day has been torture: I want to eat so badly and I’m so hungry and I know it’s because I ate food and woke up my digestive system! Gah! I am so tempted to chuck it and eat some food and then restart. But I absolutely can’t. This is literally why I’m doing this: I have to change. In the past I developed a bad habit of “starting over tomorrow” that I simply must break. It’s destroying my sense of self-respect, this habit of quitting when the going gets tough. If I don’t keep going, I won’t have the confidence to make it anymore, in anything.
I know that sounds extreme, but my life has come down to this. When I resolve something, I have to follow through, even when it’s hard: I knew it would be hard, and I decided back then what I needed to do, and in my heart I still know, maybe even moreso, that it needs to happen.
This is where my character meets the grindstone. I know if I ate a small snack right now it would taste amazing, and it wouldn’t make me gain weight all by itself. If weight loss was my only goal, I could do it. But it isn’t. A character change is what I’m after. Proving to myself that I’m capable of defeating a challenge even when nearly every ounce of me wants to quit, pause, break, start over, half-ass.
I had to be really honest with myself about the cheating in the night: only a few bites, yes, and not enough for me to start over my count of fasting altogether. Yes, I made that decision when my mind wasn’t fully alert enough to talk me out of it. But it shows me that not all of me is fully on board with this decision, and I had to ask myself the hard question of why that is.
The answer was sobering. I realized that deep down inside of me, I thought I could cheat my way through the fast, a bite here, a bite there: still benefit from fasting but secretly enjoy some food and not develop the super lethargic energy I know can come with fasting that I have been dreading so much.
I thought about that: it would be easier mentally. When I think of all that time without even one bite of food, I feel like I’m going to die. But that’s the problem, exactly. If I allow myself to cheat when things get rough, I won’t change my habits, and when I go back to eating food again, I will not have changed. I won’t be proud of myself, because I’ll know that I didn’t actually do it. I cheated, and that isn’t called water fasting to change your character, that’s called having an eating disorder. That mentality has no place in my life anymore, and it must be yanked out by the roots, no matter how painful.
On an encouraging note, I have made it thus far, despite wanting food so much today. I listened to a favorite podcast and did my yoga on my lunch. Even though I have been hungry, it isn’t the faint, shaky, angry low-blood sugar hungry. I don’t want anything sweet or bread like. It’s a growling of my stomach and a craving for fatty foods: peanut butter, walnuts, cashews, eggs, avocados, drumsticks, cheese….which tells me my body has switched to burning fat now. I have plenty of energy and mental clarity, and every time I get the urge to eat fats, I try and gently remind my body that if fat is what I’m craving, good news: I have an ample supply for you all over my body: eat up!
I’m drinking carbonated water (no artificial or any sweeteners) and it is helping with the stomach growling, though it makes me feel a little bloated and I know from past experience it makes the scale down down slower. I’m not sure why, but I know it isn’t fat being stored, so I’m OK with the slowing down of the numbers if it helps me not cheat.
It’s likely that by tomorrow this crazy desire to eat will have subsided again and I will go back to my nice, zen, detoxing euphoria.
When I get one full week in, I will upload progress pictures. I think once a week pictures is a good system. Let this motivate me to stay strong!!